Notes from the Schlub

Ah, a book I need
What do you do when you think your life is somewhat on borrowed time?
The WaPo reports this morning that Jared Kushner is being give wide powers to restructure the Federal government with their first sites set on the VA.
I’ve been a worrier all my life but I’m trying not to let this get to me. I have a job today, I’ll have a job tomorrow and I don’t want to live my life as if the roof is about to cave in any second. There’s been too much of that in my time on Earth.
And I’m also feeling guilty about worrying about me when there’s so many people around the world worse off. And there are a lot of good people right here doing their best for our country’s Veterans. They deserve better too.
In any case, war could break out in several places tomorrow rendering a lot of extraneous worry moot.
We’re lucky. We’ve been lucky. Perhaps it’s cosmically just that the luck, my luck, runs out at some point. But when I look at the horrible disparagement of income in the country, compared to what it was when I was a young adult, I feel less justified in guilt. There is plenty of pie to go around – for everyone. What has happened to many people is nothing less than economic violence. I’m afraid it’s going to get around to formerly lucky ones soon. If not, then robots will do our jobs. I’m waiting for the first fully mechanized McDonalds. I don’t think it’s too far off.
I’ve been a little rough on my psych doctor lately. It seems that the luck of the draw is the day I see her, something bad has happened and I’m in a downward spiral. She lets me vent, reminding me this is the place for it, but in fairness, she doesn’t deserve it. No one does really. I guess the measure of venting effectiveness is if you feel better afterwards. I don’t; I feel guilty.
There is something to be said for being electively bald. I recently had my head shaved as part of a fundraiser for St. Baldrick’s Foundation which helps children with cancer. The shaving party was at a local bar and I had an uncharacteristically fun time. But I also wanted to see what my large noggin would look like without hair, plus a beard that I was re-growing.
I knew the beard would come in mostly grey and I was prepared for that. I think it looks pretty good, my wife will get used to it but surprisingly, many of my FB and IRL friends like it too.
Two of them have said I look a little ‘BA’ (bad ass). I don’t think that’s a term that has ever been used to describe me in my life and I’m not sure how to take it. I hate being ‘lifestyle-ish.’ That is, someone who tailors themselves to a particular lifestyle (and associated look) whether it comes naturally to them or not. I’ve always been ‘me,’ which is to say, something of a schlub (and yes, I know my Yiddish).

Not saying I’ve never exhibited streaks of talent and lucidity but always within the framework of schlubbiness. I’m not sure I could pull off a new persona for even a week. 
This entry was posted in existential dread, mental health, middle age, over-analyze. Bookmark the permalink.

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