If

I have a lot on my mind today.

Although I have been working out and lost weight, I am experiencing periods of lightheadedness and shortness of breath doing light work, like waxing the car. I have a doctor’s appointment Monday. I’m not sure what this indicates.

Mentally, I’ve been all over the map lately and I can say I don’t like it, but that would be redundant. My lifeline to rationale behavior and civility has been very, very weak at times over the last few weeks. I had to take a mental health day recently for my sake and for my co-workers also. I was afraid of what might happen if I got set off that day. I guess you could call that ‘triggered’ but I think that term has been misused or used as a smear.

I have been mourning over the situation at work. I went through my co-worker’s Facebook pages and once again looked at all the connections between employees in my section, past and present. This is why I can’t be FB friends with anyone at work. And, frankly, it makes me sad.

I will never feel a part of where I work. I will always feel disconnected. The worst feeling is the one where I believe that since the effort to fire me failed, they’ve pretty much decided to humor me with as much work as I can handle but still look for an opportunity in the future to push me out.

Tolerated. I believe I am being tolerated because at this point, they have no other choice.

There is no way I should be working there. Even under the best conditions, simply being there, in that building, where so much negativity happened, being a part of an organization that did me so much harm (and my wife as well), is corrosive to every facet of my mental and physical health. I have tried in vain to leave or at least find another section of the organization to work in outside of public affairs. All attempts have failed and I believe that the word has gone out – he’s nuts, let public affairs deal with him.

I am grateful for a wife that has stood by me through all of this. I am grateful for my house and everything I have. I have more than most and I don’t often give real thanks for that. I get very wound up in myself and my vision becomes myopic. I see only the threats, worries and fears.

of-all-the-liars-rudyard-kipling-quote-620x620The whole idea of getting into a fitness regimen is me fighting back against all of this. I tell myself that I did not lay down and die, I fought to get my job back and now I must fight against the corrosiveness to my being that working at the VA engenders. I keep fighting. I am tired quite a bit but I did not and do not plan to quit.

I have quit too much in my life. At my age, I might as well go for something with all the intensity and strength I have left. It’s better than sitting around waiting to die.

I don’t want a cookie. I want a break. I want to be proud of myself for something more than not killing myself.

Switching gears.

I can’t deny that the state of the nation and the world has not affected my moods. Many people are in distress over the state of the world. I feel that I have walked through a looking glass to another version of reality where everything appears the same as on the other side, but it isn’t. People in this mirror-world have changed into something I don’t recognize.

The things we knew that were stable and unchanging – things we could trust to function, like our government, are instead, acting against the principles they were founded on.

Today the government announces the first step to deporting 800,000 people who were brought to the US as children by their parents illegally. The government, acting supposedly for us in a republican government, is about to punish the children for the sins of their parents. This is unconscionable.

CRp741xW0AAfx4_We may be on the verge of nuclear war since both antagonists are people that can’t back down.

Another catastrophic hurricane is heading toward the US while many still close their eyes to our responsibility for global climate change.

And suddenly, if we think about it, our day-to-day concerns seem trivial by comparison.

I remember the opening lines to Kipling’s ‘If:’

If you can keep your head when all about you,
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating;
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

 

If you can keep your head. . . .

If you can keep your heart. . .

If you can keep your humanity. . .

No one said it’d be easy.

This entry was posted in advice, bipolar, depression, existential dread, gratitude, mood swings, Rudyard Kipling, stigma and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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