Aftermath of a bad trip


Not me

I’m in the last day of a four-day break. I needed it.

I had three interviews for a job out of state. The first two interviews were electronic, the last was on site in Missouri where the agency shelled out $1500 to fly me in. All the interviews happened within a 10-day period. It was a whirlwind.

I thought I was a shoe in to get this job. I did not get the job. The why is not important here. What happened afterwards is.

I had one of the worst mixed bipolar episodes I’ve had in years. I went down a spiral I never want to go down again.

It was what psychiatry calls a ‘breakthrough’ episode – one that despite maintaining a medication regimen, the bad thing happens anyway.

When I got back from Missouri and got the bad news the very next day, it was being stunned after being hit over the head with a shovel.

The episode lasted a little over 48 hours. I was fully engaged in hurt, confusion and not a little anger. I was wrapped up in these emotions like a straightjacket.

And when it lifted, it was like a light turning off – it was that fast. I was having lunch with my wife at a local diner and I realized – I’m OK. I can think rationally again. Yeah, I’m still upset over how the interviews went down, but the rage-y confusion and emotional overreacting had lifted like the sudden disappearance of a thunderstorm.

I’m more concerned about this episode than losing out on the job – I’m cool with that now.

I’m seeing my psychiatrist this afternoon. Whether a med switch can help is the question and I think I know the answer – no.

You would think after all these years and all my study of bipolar, that I would recognize what was happening to me and find a way to take myself out of human interaction. I didn’t. I filled Facebook with invective and woe and what can charitably be described as suicidal ideation.

A comment from a good friend telling me to pull myself together resulted in an overreaction leading to a mass unfriending. I can’t get those people back and I don’t blame them for being upset with me.

As with most bipolar episodes, I wrote an apology to all my friends on Facebook trying, again, somewhat in vain, to try to explain what I can’t understand – the loss of control followed by the self-hate and the usual refrain – ‘My God, what have I done.’

I’m sick of saying ‘My God what have I done.’ Damn fucking sick of it.

Life is full of disappointments – some of them severe. Tragedy and loss is our lot often in life – it’s the way things are. I absolutely cannot allow this to happen every time I face some kind of disappointment or adversity. Right now, I’m groping for answers. But at least, I’m OK now.

But like a California earthquake, the farther you are from one episode, the closer you are to another.

This entry was posted in bipolar, mental health, Mixed episode, mood swings, self care, work and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

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