I’ve had bouts of anxiety lately. I have no good reason – but anxiety never really needs a reason – sometimes it just presents itself.
I don’t know whether it shows a lot – I have no idea what I look like to others and I avoid mirrors because I hate the way I look and always have.
My last therapy session saw me in full flower, ranting and raving about life and politics. Afterwards, I wondered in horror what I must have looked like to my shrink. She doesn’t seem to mind as it’s all a part of therapy.
What might be going on:
- Holiday jitters – the usual worries about gift buying, traveling to see people and hoping the mood of the season doesn’t break me down remembering Christmas past,
- Work – as always but lately a lot on my plate this last week before vacation
- Weather – one inch of snow on the roads and I see in my mind how I will die in a bloody wreck.
- Vacation – I’m the only person I know who gets pre-vacation anxiety. What if I have to drive in the snow? What if there’s a terrorist attack while we’re in the subway? You laugh, but this is what my mind suggests will happen to me over and over.
- My mother died five years ago today. My sister believes I owe her more of the estate since it’s been five years now; although the will calls for last distribution after six years. Should I tell the police where I work to be on the lookout for a particularly nasty woman armed with a crossbow?
I think that covers it.
I have an assignment today to cover the Santa Shop – a nice thing the American Legion does for our Veterans. The underboss asked me if I could also drop by our town hall this morning at 10. She asked if it would make me too nervous.
I hate that.
I will gladly do whatever you want (well, not always gladly, but I will do it) and do my best to hide whatever anxiety I may have. But please do not assume that I am some kind of delicate fucking flower who needs to be asked if sitting in on a meeting will be too much for me to bear. It’s insulting, demeaning and degrading.
IF I’m having a rough day, I will tell you. Believe me. But as a matter of pride I do not refuse assignments no matter how shaky I might feel inside. I do not show up in the morning with a plan for avoiding work.
I know, she was probably just trying to be considerate. I should consider that. And I didn’t say anything. But it grates on me. After all that has gone on here, I guess I better get used to being the office neurotic. It’s not a position I’m used to, nor one I ever asked for.
If I’m having a bad day, I will tell you. Believe me.