Tales of the office neurotic

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Head, meet wall

I’ve had bouts of anxiety lately. I have no good reason – but anxiety never really needs a reason – sometimes it just presents itself.

I don’t know whether it shows a lot – I have no idea what I look like to others and I avoid mirrors because I hate the way I look and always have.

My last therapy session saw me in full flower, ranting and raving about life and politics. Afterwards, I wondered in horror what I must have looked like to my shrink. She doesn’t seem to mind as it’s all a part of therapy.

What might be going on:

  1. Holiday jitters – the usual worries about gift buying, traveling to see people and hoping the mood of the season doesn’t break me down remembering Christmas past,
  2. Work – as always but lately a lot on my plate this last week before vacation
  3. Weather – one inch of snow on the roads and I see in my mind how I will die in a bloody wreck.
  4. Vacation – I’m the only person I know who gets pre-vacation anxiety. What if I have to drive in the snow? What if there’s a terrorist attack while we’re in the subway? You laugh, but this is what my mind suggests will happen to me over and over.
  5. My mother died five years ago today. My sister believes I owe her more of the estate since it’s been five years now; although the will calls for last distribution after six years. Should I tell the police where I work to be on the lookout for a particularly nasty woman armed with a crossbow?

I think that covers it.

I have an assignment today to cover the Santa Shop – a nice thing the American Legion does for our Veterans. The underboss asked me if I could also drop by our town hall this morning at 10. She asked if it would make me too nervous.

I hate that.

I will gladly do whatever you want (well, not always gladly, but I will do it) and do my best to hide whatever anxiety I may have. But please do not assume that I am some kind of delicate fucking flower who needs to be asked if sitting in on a meeting will be too much for me to bear. It’s insulting, demeaning and degrading.

IF I’m having a rough day, I will tell you. Believe me. But as a matter of pride I do not refuse assignments no matter how shaky I might feel inside. I do not show up in the morning with a plan for avoiding work.

I know, she was probably just trying to be considerate. I should consider that. And I didn’t say anything. But it grates on me. After all that has gone on here, I guess I better get used to being the office neurotic. It’s not a position I’m used to, nor one I ever asked for.

If I’m having a bad day, I will tell you. Believe me.

This entry was posted in advice, anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, counseling, holidays, mental health, shame, stigma, work and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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