Category Archives: fear

On ‘manning up’ and emotions

I think the thing my father hated most about me was that I started expressing my feelings at a very young age. And to him, they were all the wrong feelings. They were the feelings of a kid raised on … Continue reading

Posted in Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, children, fear, men, mental health, Mental Health Month, my father, parenting, shame, stigma | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

The Mystery of my Childhood OCD

There’s a part of my childhood I don’t talk about much, but I always wonder about it. My major diagnosis is Borderline Personality Disorder. After a lifetime of misdiagnosis, I can accept that and work to mitigate what it does … Continue reading

Posted in anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, childhood terror, existential dread, fear, growing up, hyper-vigilance, OCD | Tagged , | 1 Comment

A funny thing happened on the way to the communion rail. . .

I officially received my First Holy Communion (Catholic capitals) on April 17, 1971. I unofficially received it a few months earlier. And my mother damn near killed my dad over it. First, my mom was a cradle Catholic and a … Continue reading

Posted in Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Catholic school, Catholicism, childhood terror, faith, fear, growing up, mental health, mom, my father, shame, When we were very young | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Paralyzed

So another day frozen to my desk not sure of what to do. My boss is back – she was sick yesterday and simply didn’t tell anyone. One of my co-workers emailed her in the morning and that’s the only … Continue reading

Posted in anxiety, ativan, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, existential dread, fear, getting old, hyper-vigilance, mental health, self care, self-harm, shame, social anxiety | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Escape is impossible

My psychiatrist has recommended upping my daily dose of lamotrigine 50 mg. Why not? At my age I have been a 40-year experiment in the various effects of psychotropic medicine. What’s one little uppage of the dosage? She made this … Continue reading

Posted in anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, death, depression, Distractions, donald trump, existential dread, Facebook, fear, getting old, paranoia, self care, work | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Poem: to my once and future supervisor

I have never really written a poem before. Until now. I was reading about a poetry class handling a slur a student wrote into their poem. And something came over me and I wrote this in James Dickey style (with … Continue reading

Posted in Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, fear, Poetry, PTSD, work, writing | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Nobody’s Hero

I recently connected on Facebook with another person with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I had a knee jerk, judgmental reaction to what she wrote (yes, that’s so BPD) and she read it and politely called me on it. That incident … Continue reading

Posted in advice, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, existential dread, fear, ImNotAshamed, mental health, self care, shame, social anxiety, Social Media, society, stigma, The Mighty | Tagged | Leave a comment